Jesse Walker Scars

Photo by Polesie Toys on

Have you ever had a childhood scar speak to you at dawn to expose a secret about a struggle you have today? On our bodies a forty year old scar would be barely noticeable, but those childhood scars on our hearts can affect us for as long as we let them. Today the scar of Jesse Walker, which had been buried in the recesses of my mind for years, woke me up in a spiritual sense, and gave me a new perspective for an old problem. When I was a child, my Jesse Walker doll had a place of pride in my room. She was a tall doll with red hair just like me, and my grandmother had even made a beautiful red velvet dress for her to wear during the holidays. As I entered my teens, I stopped playing with her, but she still occupied that place of pride in my room because she was special to me, so when I found out that my mother had given her to my younger cousin without even asking me, my heart broke. I may have been fourteen, but I wasn’t ready to part with Jesse Walker. In my heart I mourned the loss of Jesse Walker for years, and quite frankly, I was angry about it. My younger cousin probably didn’t even care about Jesse Walker at all, and I had lost so much after my parents filed for bankruptcy and lost our home. I guess in a way, Jesse Walker was the thing that represented all that loss. I know now that my mom was heartbroken herself, but at fourteen I couldn’t see anything from her perspective at all. All these years, I’ve had no idea how deep the scar of Jesse Walker is, but even as I put these words on paper, my eyes have filled with tears.

I woke up thinking about deep cleaning, and why my treehouse (my personal space, my home office), which was the first room I addressed on my deep cleaning journey, has been trashed again by things my daughter brought up here because she doesn’t want her room full of things she doesn’t use, but isn’t ready to send to the next person yet. The scar of Jesse Walker revealed the reason I’ve felt so strongly about allowing my children to keep things for as long as they want, and let go only when they are ready. I’ve never really helped my children learn to let go of things. Right now I’m not sure if this has been healthy for them. As a parent, I thought I was doing what was best for them because I didn’t want them to have a Jesse Walker scar of their own, but I digress… The problem for me, is that I have allowed their things to infiltrate my treehouse, the space where I pray and read and write and sew and collect my thoughts. So today, I have to take my space back, and as I do, I have to forgive my mother for giving Jesse Walker away, because I now know that because of my dad’s carelessness her world had been turned upside down too. I forgave my dad a long time ago, and I didn’t even realize I was holding things against my darling mother.

Right now I pray, Father give me fresh lenses from which I can see my mother and the events of my childhood that left me scared, as You heal my heart and give me beauty for ashes. I’m sorry that I’ve held onto hurt that happened so very long ago. Father forgive me, and mend all the scars between my mother and me, because I’m sure I’ve given her scars too. Let our friendship flourish, Father I pray in Jesus’ name, and I’m so thankful that You’ve opened my eyes to this scar I had forgotten about, and shown me the way to healing. I love You Lord; You are a good good Father.

Forgiveness is as much for the forgiver as it is for the forgivee. I’m excited to see how God will use this epiphany to do a great work in my relationships. If you’re reading this and you have unforgiveness that has been buried for years, ask God to give you a fresh perspective, new lenses from which to view the thing that left a scar on your heart. God honors our prayers for healing in relationships, and he makes all things new in the name of Jesus.

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